


i know what i have found

by intoxicatelou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Bottom Steve Rogers, Boys In Love, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Drunk Blow Jobs, Drunk Bucky Barnes, Drunk Sex, Drunk Steve Rogers, Emotionally Stunted Boys In Love, First Time, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Gay Sex, I Don't Even Know, In the end, Lots of Angst, M/M, One Shot, Porn, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Pre-Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Shameless Smut, Shitty Smut, Smut, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers-centric, Stucky - Freeform, Unrequited Love, Virgin Steve, Virgin Steve Rogers, but bucky barnes is a bit of a dick, but i was writing this fic, but just saying, i just really love the idea of them fucking okay, i literally have so much work to do, i think idk, it's mostly poetic, most of this is, ok, probably but its smut, so much angst i apologize, that means something alright, there's a pretty graphic sex scene in a way, this is such a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 15:37:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4065301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoxicatelou/pseuds/intoxicatelou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you’re losing your virginity to your best friend and you guess things don’t get much better than this. you’ll later realize things don’t get much worse either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i know what i have found

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so emo rn i'm sorry for this mess but i am so obsessed with tiny steve rogers getting fucked by bucky barnes and their love is just absolutely so much and all or nothing and full and alive and fuck so you see a bit of that here. this is like 90% porn just saying but it's got some pretty kick ass angst and feels. also i think the ending is kinda shitty like i just rushed a bit, but l wrote six pages of porn in one sitting so do give me a break. 
> 
> warning for intense angst just sayin' once again. 
> 
> didn't have a beta cause i literally wrote this right now and yeah. all mistakes are mine. i should probably edit at some point. also i always only write in all lowercase just saying. that's just my choice stylistically.

 

_Day drunk into the night_

_Wanna keep you here_

_Cause you dry my tears_

_Yeah, summer lovin' and fights_

_How it is for us_

TALKING BODY (tove lo)

* * *

 

steve’s known him forever. as long as his mind could be bright enough to remember, there’s always been the everlasting glow of him somewhere in his body. he was as constant as the sun. his personal part of the universe, personal piece of heaven.

james buchanan barnes. bucky. buck.  his name is a prayer in its own way. silently whispered.

steve thought some nights that if his heart was a room it’d be covered in wallpaper of black and white sketches and technicolor touches, all screaming different memories of what the world “love” meant at the time. steve didn’t know. god knows, buck didn’t. he couldn’t have.

 _there’s just no way_ , steve thinks nights like this, when buck’s late probably cause he’s getting lucky with one of the dames down their street,  a “don’t wait up for me stevie” and a devil wink followed by that same goddamn flirty giggle.  he’s probably dancing up a storm with someone who could laugh at his charm without wondering if their lungs would end up on the concrete in front of them. someone who could show buck “a good time” with the flash of red lipstick and soft skin.

 steve looks down at his own bony arms and knees and stifles a sob at how he is all corners and buck deserves a solid warm home. not sharp edges that bruise too easily, and a lover who could barely breathe.  

 _it never meant anything_ , it’s nights like this he wonders if he’s even worth loving.  

* * *

 

you both were just a little bit too drunk. or at least that’s the way you’d like to think of it. half way up the rickety stairs, coming home early from a night out of dancing cause Cindy Sue and her cousin, Martha from Kentucky _were so fucking dumb, Stevie. i mean, pardon my fucking french, but i swear, if i hafta listen to another story about their goddamn horses, i’d have shot myself._

 you giggle at that, and buck says _, you sound like a proper dame there stevie._ you blush, and he whispers in your ear, _now look like one too._ it’s the summer heat, you think, not his words, but you can’t deny the way your breath catches when his fingers graze over your cheekbones, _prettier than a rose._

 you’ve seen bucky like this. multiple times on occasion, but  usually always from behind his shoulder, knowing he’s charming the dame to just get into her skirt cause you know your boy’s not looking for anything serious.

 you never are either, and the only reason you go out at nights is cause of him. you can’t stand being away from him. thinking about it, that might’ve been a clue that this was a bad idea. you didn’t know that the only tangible thing you know about love comes from loving him. you didn’t know.

 you were drunk, for once. he was drunk, as usual. you’re stumbling inside the apartment and you’re both laughing about something you don’t remember. the door falls shut, and suddenly there’s silence. the sun is setting somewhere, you guess there’s some thought of being drunk at the wrong time. cause you both can handle late nights, almost mornings, a list of _i don’t remember_  and _we’re best friends buddy_ but it’s 9:15 pm and you’re wide awake.

 he’s so close to you, so close. heat radiating, mouth sinfully glistening, you bet he’d taste like beer and sweat and dirt and coming home. that’s how you are, trying to make a guess of what you’re in for this time. cause this is just how it works between you two.  cataloging memories of what it takes to rip the both of you apart, it should’ve been a sign, you’ll say later. but he didn’t know.

 so,  you’re both just standing there in the doorway, a clock ticking away like a countdown until you both explode and destroy each other again, because it’s been awhile since this last happened.

9:16 pm. you don’t understand how time slows down like molasses when you’re with him. you’re itching for something and things feel a little bit too much. like you’re clouded, fuzzy, hazed, all you see his him.  it’s like this insatiable desire, burning beneath your skin, you just think it’s cause you haven’t been fucked in a while, but you’ll later realize it’s cause you haven’t been fucked by him.

it’s always him, him, him. since you were six and picked your first fight with the biggest bully on the playground, and he was the one who took the punch for you. how come you didn’t know?

 _bucky,_ you breathe, _christ, its hot._ it’s probably one of the less smart things to say, stating the obvious, but you’ve always been a bit braver and a lot less smoother in times like this. bucky laughs though, a sound like twinkling stars, and what the fuck, you just compared to his laugh to twinkling stars.

 _my laughter sounds like twinkle twinkle little star?_ buck gasps between echoes of laughter, filling up your entire shit appartment, making it feel a little more like home. you curse, cheeks furiously blushing red,   _fuck, didn’t mean to say that out loud must be lot more drunk than i thought -_

he shuts you up then, pink, red, rouge lips colliding, and you’d like to think it would’ve been  more teeth and tongue than anything else, like all the other times, but it wasn’t. it was sweet and tender and _-_

 _this is different, buck… different, but i like it._ his forehead rests against yours every few seconds to give you air, like he knows your pace, like he knows you.  his eyes seem unnaturally bright.

you stay like that for a while, holding each other, speaking through tongues and lips and slight nips of teeth, and taste, burn like that for a while, until you can feel your cock thickening up and your hands roaming, roaming, roaming over his strong frame. he pushes you against the door, finally, open mouthed kisses leading into something that’s a little more sinful, and you bare your neck so he can mark you as his own. you’re rubbing up against each other, his soft gasps falling into your ears.

it get’s more aggressive, of course it does, because you’ve always liked it a little bit rough, the adrenaline from the rush of doing things fast, hard, dirty, and he growls into your collarbone about _baby, your fucking clothes, get them off._ and you obey. his mouth is sweet and sharp and you never want him to stop.

he’s unbuttoning your shirt and you’re unbuttoning his, one after the other, and your lips are attached again, like a fight, everything feels so warm. soon you’re both naked, hot bodies pressed against cool wood, and you hiss a little at the contact. he’s sinking to his knees, in front of you, buck, buck, _fuck,_ he’s pulling down your briefs with his teeth and his lips are so fucking red, it’s not fair. you want to see him like this always. you want to fucking paint him worshipping your body like it means something, not just a raggedy pile of skin and flesh and weak bones.

he kisses your skinny thighs, whispering sweet  nothings into the purpling skin as he bites and nips and makes you whimper _fuck_ as you run one hand through your blonde hair, making it stick up more than a million different ways. you clutch the door handle to try to get a grip on things.

 _fuck, bucky please, please._ he puts his mouth on you then, all of a sudden, and you gasp a breath that makes your heartbeat like a jackhammer, your lungs working overtime. he sucks you, his eyelashes fluttering, big dark green grey eyes lidded with lust, his mouth hollowing out to take more of you, up, down, you lose sense of direction pretty fast, muttering, _fuck, bucky you’re so good, so good to me, jesus fucking christ,_ babbling vulgar praises and his name and anything except _i fucking love you so much._ cause it’d ruin it.  

you’re getting so close now, and you let him, know your hands leave your hair and find his instead, brown, soft, getting damper with sweat and your nails scratch his scalp just a little, cause he likes that and you know he likes that cause you can feel his moan straight into your dick, and _fuck fuck bucky i’m gonna come -_

and then just like that he pulls off, and kisses you rough against the door instead. you groan at the loss of heat on your dick but push into the kiss, tongue fucking, your dick leaking shamelessly in between your two bodies, and he looks at you then, when you’re panting for breath, his calloused hands holding the sides of your face, all eyes, all lust, his voice raspy and soft,

_jesus christ, i want to fuck you so bad._

 

there’s a pause. cause its sounds like it just slipped out you know, at first, cause he’d been kissing you mad one second and then in the heat of it, it just fell out. bucky’s always been a talker.

 _really…?_ you venture out. your skin is thrumming, y

 _fuck, yeah, really. god you’re so beautiful._ his eyes look down between the both of you, at your bony ribs and burning skin.

you feel the heat freeze for a moment, your eyes widening cause… fuck that’s different. that’s more than different, that’s new. that’s a  never-done-before-never-talked-about.

 _you’ve done it before right?_ bucky asks, then. and  you wince.

 _with a guy? of course not._ you hope bucky won’t ask more. but it’s bucky so of course he will.

 _no no, i haven’t either then but  i mean with a girl ?_ and you let your head hang low and mutter _no, i… you know how it is._ and it’s probably the shittiest excuse you could come up but then buck’s tipping your head up and smiling all sweet, _that don’t matter a bit. i’ll take good care of you stevie. trust me, i’m gonna make it so good for you._

you swallow. you’re losing your virginity to your best friend and you  guess things don’t get much better than this. you’ll later realize things don’t get much worse either.

 _oh. onlyfyouwant to ofcourse,_ bucky adds, rushed,  realizing the pause, realizing the moment, and you don’t even wait a minute, all your fears dissipating with his touch,  before kissing him with   _yesyesofcoursebuckyanythingforyou._

 _anything for you, cause i love you._ you don’t think much about your inner dialogue until the morning after when the sobriety hits you like a freight train.

but right now, he’s gathering you up bridal style and heading to your own small bedroom and plopping you down on the thinning mattress and you both bounce into each other again, bodies fitting like puzzle pieces, and you can feel the excitement in his bones. you trace his muscular arms with your fingertips, and he mouths and bites all the way down to your hip bones, sucking a dark mark right on your faint v-lines, before making his way back up again and whispering, _gonna make this so good for you baby doll, gonna make this so fucking good for you my stevie._

you don’t have much time to think about what he calls you, _baby doll, my stevie,_ before he’s grabbing the vaseline from behind his pillow and slicking up his finger before slipping it inside.

you gasp of course, cause this is so fucking new, and it burns a little but bucky kisses you and holds you kindly and he moves it in and out as time slows down,always making sure it’s okay for you, cause it’s different yeah, but soon you’re begging for another just as quick, and then another, and another, and it takes a while but then you’re riding his fingers so desperately trying to get him to reach that spot, that burning button that sits at some center of you and asking him _more, more, fuck i want you inside of me._ and he groans audibly, _stevie._ cause you know he loves it when you’re begging for him. saying you need him.

you think you see the moon out the window over his shoulder, when he finally pushes into you. it’s slow, if you’d thought that time was slow before, now it was literally dream like. his face looming above your face, his lips bruising your lips, his eyes speaking something unknown  looking into your eyes, and then the fire in his touch as he finally bottoms out, the both of you ebbing away waiting for the heat to become breathable.

you bite his shoulder as the pain sets in first, it’s like you’re being split open in a whole different way, it’s different and he’s whispering, _sorry stevie, so sorry baby, it’ll be okay, it’ll get better i promise, fuck, i’m sorry_ cause yeah it fucking hurts but then it’s like almost the first blow of a cigarette, except you can breathe and it doesn’t taste nasty as tobacco, and you actually want more. you roll your hips and bucky visibly shudders and you’re amazed at the effect you’ve got on him.

 _never done this before,_ he laughs, wheezing, a bit out of breath already. you grin cause it’s supposed to be your first time. but it’s his too in a way. and you guess it makes it a bit more special.

 _shouldn’t be as different as with a gal am i right?_ , you say, and roll your hips again to just see the way his lips form a perfect _oh_ again.

 _nah, it’s better._ he says, and you blush and then he’s moving, in and out, both of you panting in rhythm, the only noise in the room the wet gasps and sound of skin loving skin.

 _harder bucky, please,_ you cry cause you feel like you’re chasing something not there yet, and he kisses the inside of your thigh before hoisting it over his shoulder and driving into you with every bit of power he has and you’re gasping _BUCK_ as you urge him on and he follows you, faster and faster, harder and harder, drilling his name into you. he’s pressing you into the mattress, fucking you hard but soft at the same time ; your bodies sliding against each other slick, your eyes always staring,sometimes fluttering, but never leaving each other. it’s so intimate and in that moment you have a hard time believing you’re drunk. it all feels so real, it feels so much like -

  _you’re so goddamn beautiful you know that?_ bucky sobs, kissing your eyelids, your forehead, your nose, your cheekbones, your lips, and you choke back tears as you’re saying _i’m so fucking close,_ and his hips meet you like this is the last thing he’ll ever do, he’s giving it all up in this room,  and you’re crying then, real tears pouring from your eyes and he’s trying to thumb them away but he’s crying too, and it’s all a bit like a thunderstorm. and you weep into each other like you both know what’s going on  but you don’t at the same time and things are sobering up but at the same time you’re reaching the high together, and he clasps your hands in his, intertwined fingers as he pushes into you one, two, three more times before you’re screaming through tears _buckyiloveyou_ as you spill out between the both of you, untouched, and he follows suit, in a _iknowiknowstevie_ filling you so you’re whole for the first time. and when you’re both heaving into each other, mouths still pressed together and still crying for what emotion - happiness? sadness? - god knows - , and not giving a fuck about the mess everywhere in between, that’s when you finally knew, that this could be only one thing.

 

\- love.

 

* * *

 

steve doesn’t realize he’s crying until his vision goes blurry around the edges, from how his lungs are moving up and down trying to get air into him.

 

 _iknowiknowstevie._ he can still hear bucky’s voice when he’s telling him that, they’re both burning together and steve wishes they were actually drunk that night, knowing they were actually just a bit tipsy, more sober than truth, but he knows, it’s better to not think of it like that.

 steve knows. he knows now, down to his very core and it’s been three months since that incident in the summer and the winter’s come and he’s never felt more alone. buck was gone the morning they’d woken up from that night. a note scribbled bout work and _don’t worry about breakfast, left an orange for you :)_ and steve remembers crying again that morning. but this time alone.

he’s been alone since then, buck’s always gone every other night, only to stumble in drunk before dawn with a new story about a new girl and steve smiling because that’s the proper thing to do. the right thing to do. cause it never means anything and buck swears he remembers nothing,  cause he was so “drunk” but as said before, that’s a fucking lie and he knows steves knows it. he says it anyway. with that charming smile of his, pretending his eyes don’t look fucking miserable and steve wants to scream at him and shove him against the front door and kiss him senseless.

 _he knows._ steve says finally. it’s taken him three months to get to the end of that memory, to the _iknowiknowstevie._ he tried to block it out at first, cause it’s better to pretend like he doesn’t know, like bucky doesn’t know that steve’s only been drawing him ever since they moved in together, that steve only really kisses bucky, that steve only has bucky.

bucky knows he was steve’s first. he fucking knows. and he doesn’t care

steve curls up again crying. maybe this is just how it’s meant to be. some people weren’t worth loving.

 

* * *

he doesn’t know what time it is but it’s  dark out when hears the slam of the front door and he sits up. but then he hears _it’s just me, baby, it’s me bucky._

steve’s so tired,  cause it’s been like this for six months now. same old routine.

buck strolling through the door, his shirt untucked and his face covered in shadows  but steve can see the bottle of rum glinting in the moonlight, the dead look in his eyes.  bucky ungracefully stumbling into their bed and muttering something about _damn, that dame was so fine. should’ve seen her tits steve, so fucking round._ or something else about a girl that steve’s never heard about before realizing that steve’s “asleep” and stumbling back into his bed and being gone by morning for work. that’s how he’s seen buck these past few months. and steve’s goddamn tired of it.

but tonight’s different it looks like, cause steve can’t see the glint of a bottle of rum and bucky’s steps sound a little less heavy. and then he heard sniffling and his mattress dips with bucky’s weight and _stevie, i know you’re awake._ steve’s frozen. bucky hasn’t called him stevie in a while. his voice sounds sober. he sounds like he’s crying. steve still stares at the wall. it’s been too long.

 _what do you want bucky?_ he asks. his voice sounds too harsh, too grating, like he’s forgotten how to speak altogether.

 _i want to … i want to talk, stevie._ bucky says this and steve still doesn’t move. he doesn’t think he remembers how to.

 _so now you want to talk?_ it’s a low comment. and it’s late and steve probably wouldn’t have said that in the morning, but he’s so tired.

 _i’m sorry. please, please, i’m sorry. i. fucked up._ and it’s so pathetic, it’s so fucking pathetic cause that’s the longest thing bucky’s said to him and steve turns around in one quick motion and pins him to the mattress, shaking, and so angry.

 _goddamn it you did. you fucked up. you fucked up big time james._ his voice cracks on bucky’s name and bucky cries, _im sorry im sorry._

 _no you’re not._ says steve, he needs to do this. he needs to get his out, he needs to stop letting bucky have so much power over him, he needs to stop loving bucky so goddamn much cause he obviously doesn’t care that steve loves him -

_i need you stevie, i need you please don’t do this, please i -_

steve knows what he’s going to say and he shakes with anger cause how dare he, how fucking dare he, and he gets close right to bucky’s ear and tells him _go fuck yourself. or Lindy or Carla or Mary or Barbara or whoever you’ve fucked in the past six months. just don’t fuck with me anymore Bucky. i’m done._

steve gets up with a start, tears blurring his vision, cause the room’s suddenly suffocating and he grabs his coat and he just needs to go, just needs to run, just need to get the fuck away from bucky.

but bucky’s fast and he grabs steve’s wrist and before steve can tell him to _let go,_ bucky’s kissing him pressed against the front door and it’s like they’re back to where they’ve started except this time neither of them are drunk and they know that and steve pulls back squirming, cause he’s so goddamn confused and he hates how much is heart flutters at being this close to bucky but bucky’s got him pretty well cornered, and he needs to go, he’s so in love with bucky barnes he can’t breathe but then bucky says, _will you stop moving and fucking listen to me?_

his voice is loud in this quiet apartment and it rings inside of steve and he freezes.

 

_i’m sorry okay? i’m so fucking sorry steve, you don’t even know, i fucked up. i was scared, i was a coward. cause we fucked for the first time, and it was the best feeling in the entire world. i felt like i was finally home for once. like i was finally not alone, like sadness had left me and all that was there was light. jesus. i’m so sorry. i panicked.  i know it was your first time, and it got me thinking cause it wouldn’t be fair of me to bog you down cause you don’t deserve me, you deserve so much better you know? like, i’m a fucking queer, and it was probably just fucking around for you, and i was around to do a favor cause i ruined you steve, i asked and you were probably too kind to say no, or probably got caught up in the moment and fuck. it was your first time. what do you know? you deserve a sweet dame who can give you kids and a family and all i’ve got is this twisted up love inside of me cause i fucking love you and it took me six months to realize, six months spent drinking at a bar or just sitting there with my head in my hands, realizing that there’s nobody in this goddamn world i want other than you and six months of nights of coming home seeing you there pretending to be asleep, cause i know how you breathe at night and that ain’t it,  that i did this. stevie, i haven’t slept with anyone since you, haven’t even thought of fucking another soul, just the thought of you spread out below me, that’s enough to keep me awake at night, when you’re so close yet so far away all cause i was too stupid with my feelings. i’ve never been good at this. but i know now. i know for sure. i love you stevie, goddamn i’ll love you till the end of the line._

 

bucky’s full on sobbing by now and steve’s broken. he doesn’t know what to do, he just holds bucky who’s shaking in his arms and begging _please, please say something. i know that was a lot but i love you steve. i love you so fucking much i love you i’m so sorry  i love you_ babbling like a child, and he knows, steve’s heart swells, he knows and he cares, and then he’s crying too and they’re both letting the dam break their problems their love their everything falling together.

steve kisses him tenderly, softly, like that night, _different,_ until they can’t breathe and they’re just gasping _i love you, i love you too,_ until they calm down, and sit there against that front door, hot bodies pressed to the cool wood, as the sun rises somewhere  and time runs slow, but this time it’s okay cause they’ve finally got each other.

 

they finally know.

  
  
  
  
  
  
 

**Author's Note:**

> ohmygod i don't even know what i didn't even want to write like i have to study for so much shit and then i ended up writing nine pages in a google doc today and i don't even fucking know man. i just love steve and bucky so much and i just needed to write something for them i guess and it's so fucking hard cause i've got a million and one ideas. i hope this wasn't too painful or shitty and that you liked it !!!! all comments and reviews are appreciated. 
> 
> please find me on tumblr intoxicatelou.tumblr.com so we can cry about captain america crack! videos and bucky barnes. also stucky. let us cry about stucky. 
> 
> thanks for reading !!


End file.
